Weighted. . .

. . .is certainly how I feel. I have had several different things on my mind in the last several days. I have wanted to write about them, but I have not been able to figure out where to start. Do I start with what is most pressing, or what requires most support from others? So, we'll see how this goes.

(Sculpture is "The Weight" by T.J. Hogan).

I am praying about going on a mission trip in May. I have the opportunity to go to Ukraine in the latter portion of May to work with a computer center and English Camps. (Read about Ukraine here). In college I was on the leadership team for a traveling worship choir. We were praying very intensely about where we should take our yearly tour and the Ukraine was heavy upon our hearts for that year. When it came down to deciding, we felt leading to go another direction, and ultimately we did not go to Ukraine. Missions in this country have never left my heart or mind, even though I have never been there.

Last week I was presented with the potential opportunity to be a part of a mission team to go in May. The timing of the trip could not be better- it's the last two weeks in May. This would be after I graduate and finish my assistantship, and before any potential new job would begin (most will start June 1 or July 1).

This would be growth experience for me, which I think is part of the reason I am apprehensive. First, it costs around $2500. I have never had to raise money for something like this, and am not sure my family would understand the need to. I worry that if I went, the money wouldn't come through. Which is certainly a lack of faith and not a good reason to decide not to go on a mission trip. Secondly, It would be a long plane ride and I can barely handle the 3 hour ride back to Kentucky. Planes scare me!

If I go on this trip, I know that it would mean the Power of God living and moving and doing "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20). That is terrifying, and exciting all at once! I am a doer and a striver, this would be outside of my abilities to do so.

During church today, I couldn't get Ukraine out of my head and started to think of things I could do to earn the money to go. I even mentally calculated how much I could save if I donated plasma every week and put the money in my money market account. In the midst of calculating interest percentages, God spoke to me and said, "It's not about you earning the money and working for it. It's about you trusting that if I want you there, I'll get you there".

And that, friends, is the root of my inner struggle. I have trust issues, and I am not sure that I am strong enough to trust God enough for this. In writing that I realize how utterly ridiculous that thought is. I am not strong enough. But it is not because of strength that we trust God. It is because of our weakness that we trust. Because in those times we are able to see so clearly our need for God.

"David also said to Solomon his son, 'Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.'" -1 Chronicles 28:20

As if that weren't enough, we sang "In Christ Alone" today at church. The lyrics of that song were one of the ways that God broke through my heart this summer. It was not that I had stopped believing, but that I was not trusting Him as I needed to be. One beautiful summer night, this song was played at the Line Camp worship service. The lyrics brought tears to my eyes this morning like they did that night:

In Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song; This cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My comforter, my all in all— Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save. Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied; For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain; Then bursting forth in glorious day, Up from the grave He rose again! And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost its grip on me; For I am His and He is mine— Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death— This is the pow'r of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home— Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

With that on my mind, I am weighed down with the decision to go or not. Perhaps this trip is the way that God will break the next layer of my heart and lead me to a place of deeper trust and faith. I ask that you would join me in prayer for this decision. I am claiming Romans 8:26 for this time,

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."